I sat quietly yesterday and today in mirror meditation. Strangely, I experienced something quite different from what I’d hoped to experience. I thought perhaps I might experience something profound, but instead I noticed things like my eyebrows needed plucking, and that a little frown line had started to develop between them. My attention went from one flaw to another. I sat and sat and near the close of each session with my mirror I’d catch the shimmer of my beauty attempting to shine through. I felt embarrassed as I thought to myself, ‘what pretty eyes and hair you have’. Curiously I wondered, why negative thoughts seemed to rise to the surface of my mind with the least bit of hesitancy, being gobbled up readily as fact, while the positive arose slowly and were so often negated. I started to realise I was resisting ownership of beauty and tried to figure out why. I questioned, what was to be gained from doing so? Really, what would be so wrong with embracing this portion of self that I so frequently banish from sight? Logic tells me nothing would be wrong with accepting this part of myself, and yet, awkward feelings surround embracing this little bit of self. Courage is a word that pops to mind. I think courage is a required attribute while traveling on this journey toward self, but where does one find this courage? Perhaps, it’s found spending 10 minutes a day with mirror in hand.
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It’s the day after yoga class, and I’m pretty sure by the end of yesterday’s class I looked like a puddle. Today though I feel less tension in my neck and shoulders and this is a good thing. Something I did become aware of during class yesterday was my avoidance not of any particular pose, but of the mirror that spans the full length of the yoga studio. Yoga students face the mirror as the instructor guides us through our poses. I found myself feeling uncomfortable gazing at my reflection and in resistance closed my eyes. It was not long before the instructor could be heard gently reminding, “Eyes open please”. I opened my eyes, and then for the rest of the class I vacillated between opening and closing them. Walking home I thought about my feelings surrounding having to be fully present with my reflection in the mirror. Finally, I came to the conclusion that if I avoided any of my feelings especially the ones I don’t like, I’d be hindering the possibility of coming closer to my own authenticity. Self- acceptance can be an uncomfortable issue, so this week I intend on sitting for 10 minutes daily in front of a mirror. This could be the beginning of daily meditation and that is a good thing.
Trust n. a firm belief in the reliability or truth or strength etc. of a person or thing. ~The Oxford Dictionary
A few months ago I hired a fitness trainer. The goal at the time was to lose excess weight and gain a more defined and chiseled physique, i.e. look more like my trainer, but while working out one afternoon my goal shifted. During that particular workout session I found myself struggling, both physically and emotionally with an exercise that required strength and balance (I was afraid of falling). Immediately, my trainer pointed out that I was favouring my left foot. I’d broken this foot over 10 years ago falling down a set of stairs and after all this time I was still very protective of it. It had become commonplace for me to walk sideways down a set of stairs, right foot first of course, and I’d also trained myself to shorten the stride on my left side while walking. Having made this observation my trainer stepped closer, looked me squarely in the eye and said, “You’ve stopped trusting your body”. I felt uncomfortable with her words primarily because of the further reaching implications that I sensed. If I didn’t trust my body, I wondered how trust had been limited in other areas my life?
The result of that afternoon with my trainer has changed my initial goal from a quest for the perfect body, to the desire of simply feeling good in my body. Aiding me in fulfilling this new found desire is my enrollment in Hot Yoga classes. In the short time I’ve been practicing I’ve noticed a new flexibility and space entering where movement had once been limited. Even more interestingly is the confidence both physically and emotionally I’ve gained, for example I no longer walk down a flight of stairs sideways for fear of falling an accomplishment that makes me smile. While it is important to encourage myself to push past physical limits when on my yoga mat, I’ve also had to learn the lesson of listening to my body for signs of strain. When my body indicates that I’m pushing too far I relax and attempt to find a more comfortable level for myself and thereby develop a sense of trust between my body and mind. In these moments of listening to my body’s wishes I place my inner critic aside with its demands for faster progress and whisper to myself “I’m here for you”.
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